i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
