doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
