her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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