Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
