sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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