i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
