is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
