I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
