Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
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"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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