DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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