I wish I could teleport
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
