Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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