that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
