Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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