wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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