Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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