i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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