Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
