google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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