the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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