Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sober January is a disaster.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
