I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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