I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
