her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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