just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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