Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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