wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
