I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
