my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
