I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
