Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
