Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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