Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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