wrigley field is MILF paradise
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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