Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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