i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
