when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
