apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
