you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
