Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
