My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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