I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
