I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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