somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
