I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
