The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
