Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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