OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
