I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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