That's intense
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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