He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
