I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
