my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
